Top 5 Worst Kids in Daikaiju Films

*This article is intended for laughs and amusement. Don’t take it seriously*

Anyone who has listened to a large chunk of our podcasts knows that some kaiju films rub me the wrong way due to their child stars. I don’t hide my detest for some of these characters. Many times I had wished, oh how I wished, that the kaiju, even the bad kaiju, would kill these kids. To date, only one of these irritating brats has actually died in a kaiju film.

This list is my top five worst kids in kaiju eiga. Believe me, making this list was tough-but the more I thought about it, the easier it became. I even, at one point, thought about extending from a Top 5 to something like a Top 8. While that’s an obscure number for creating a list, I couldn’t make up my mind which five were the worst.  Finally, I did it. I got my top five.

Strangely enough, none of the five kids listed is from a Godzilla movie. Several of them made the list but didn’t make the final cut. All but one of the kids are from the Showa Gamera films; which isn’t that surprising when you think about it. I love those films, but, boy, do many of their child stars annoy me. Note, though, that part of the reason why some of them are on the list is due to their dubbing. I don’t fault the kids for it, but it is part of their portrayal in the films.

On with the list!

5. Susan Williams (Gamera vs. Jaiger): If you had asked me who would be the worst kid in a kaiju movie, I would have been Susan. She annoyed the hell out of me the several times I watched Gamera vs. Jaiger before going on a many year hiatus of not watching a single Showa Gamera film.

Her voice is irritating and her snoopiness is frustrating. Several times in the movie she’s told to not do something. Then when no one is in sight, she does it anyways!

She is constantly clapping her hands when Gamera is winning and exclaiming, “Good! Good!”

Alas, time has been better on little Susan. I no longer find her the worst and, quite frankly, I think she’s pretty tolerable anymore.

There’s still enough annoyance there, though, that keeps her in my Top 5 for the time being.

4. Tom (Gamera vs. Guiron): Like Susan, Tom would have also been closer to the top if you had asked me who are the worst kids in kaiju nearly 15 years ago.

Tom seems really bored in most of the movie and when he does decide to emote, it’s usually exaggerated. His attitude towards adults isn’t the greatest either, but that’s typical of most of the children in the Showa Gamera films.

The way he harassed that poor police officer at the beginning of the film was uncalled for. I believe I even yelled at my T.V. one time, “Tom! You’re an asshole!”

He even makes the cardinal sin of breaking down the fourth wall after harassing the officer. When one of his sticky darts is pasted on top of his head by the officer, Tom looks directly into the camera, shrugs, and makes a face that says, “I guess I was asking for that.

YES YOU WERE, TOM! YES YOU WERE!

3. Toshio (Gamera): I was honestly surprised that Toshio made the list. I thought that the boy from Gamera vs. Gyaos was going to be Toshio’s spot. But the more I examined the two characters, the more I became disturbed by Toshio.

Toshio has a love of turtles and, therefore, loves Gamera. But Toshio believes Gamera saved him when he was dangling from the lighthouse. Now his love for the kaiju has gone to WTF levels.

Toshio endangers himself one too many times in an attempt to either prevent the military from fighting Gamera or to get close enough to Gamera to talk to him.

At one point, he hops on a few train cars carrying oil as Gamera is attacking an oil refinery. Luckily for Toshio, a young man hopped onto the cars and saved him before the train cars smashed into Gamera. I had wished they had let Toshio go. He probably would have been happier.

Toshio, I honestly believe, has some serious mental issues. He’s consistently putting himself in harm’s way and his love for the kaiju is bizarre.

2. Keiichi (Super Monster Gamera): When you look at this picture of Keiichi, you know something isn’t right.

Outside of the really funny, goofy facial expressions, this kid, like Toshio, has serious issues. He’s too trusting of strangers and reminds me a Looney Toons character that’s always finding himself in danger, slightly oblivious to it, and is rescued in the nick of time and doesn’t seem to think too much of it.

His voice is irritating as well. Don’t even get me started on his singing.

I had hoped when the heroines fly off at the end of the movie, taking Keiichi with them, they would have dropped him eventually.

It didn’t happen, much to my disappointment.

1. Kinta (Daimajin Strikes Again): Here’s our winner, ladies and gentlemen. Kinta!

Those of you that listened to our episode on Daimajin Strikes Again know how annoyed I was with this character. His voice is like Freddy Krueger scraping his claws against a chalkboard. Seriously, I’ve never heard a worse voice on any character in a kaiju film, and there are MANY characters with bad voices.

On top of his really irritating voice, Kinta is bossy at times and always believing he has to stick his nose into everything that’s going on. Back off a bit, would ya, Kinta?!

In the middle of the movie, Kinta arguably commits suicide. His leg is bad and when the kids’ raft is destroyed heading down a river, Sugibo has Kinta’s hand, attempting to help him out of the river. Kinta, however, is yelling at Sugibo to let him go. Finally, Kinta gets his hand free and drowns while floating down the river.

I was in utter shock when I saw this. Not only did a kid actually die in one of these movies, but it was the kid I was most annoyed with in the entire movie-not to mention the entire whole of kaiju eiga!

The latter half of Daimajin Strikes Again was so much better after that scene.